Ao ano da determinação!

O meu primeiro casamento foi uma tristeza a todos os níveis. Se há remorsos neste mundo devem estar concentrados aqui mesmo à porta. Tudo porque me vi no reflexo de um copo de vidro. A imagem saiu distorcida e quando olhei melhor de volta e me apercebi que não era bem aquele o meu eu perdi a coragem de enfrentar os meus erros. E só soube chorar porque não conseguia desfazer-me mais do peso que fui metendo aos ombros aos poucos e com o passar do tempo. Perdi já à muito esse peso, já fez um ano. O mundo não nasceu cor-de-rosa, todos o fazemos porque as cores reais são mais azedas. Mas nessa altura esperava ainda que isso não fosse verdade. Nestes tempos actuais sou mais digna de mim, tento sempre ver-me ao espelho: reflicto muito sobre quem sou, o que me fez chegar aqui e que peso quero acrescer a mim. Consegui fazer isso muito dificilmente porque apenas conseguia ver relances do meu verdadeiro eu. Olhar para mim e persistir em olhar é sempre terrível. Hoje sei quem sou, o que me completa, onde não gosto de estar, quem amo, e isso é um grande começo para me começar a recompor de novo como a lembrança que pretendo deixar.

Esta que acabei de descrever foi a tarefa mais desgastante que alguma vez enfrentei, o caminho foi extremamente penoso: os meus erros foram aumentados à expoente e fui responsabilizada pela expressão. Lamento muito não me ter visto ao espelho à mais tempo, tinha poupado tanto, tanto sofrimento. Ainda me é difícil seguir apenas quem sou eu. Sei que daqui a mais um ano serei capaz de me seguir. Este percurso fez de mim alguém diferente, com mais defeitos e mais fria e rígida. Não define a minha essência mas influenciou os meus comportamentos com outros de uma forma drástica. Agora não tenho medo de dizer 'odeio-te'.

Escrevi isto apenas para mim pois quero assinalar este momento com muito orgulho pela coragem que demonstrei no último ano. Para o próximo ano quero ter orgulho na minha determinação.

Àquele que compreenderá este meu texto, penso que o único, desejo agora ter seguido o teu concelho naquele horrível dia de manhã. Mas não consegui porque era fraca. Consegui ganhar a coragem que precisava graças a ti, o meu amor por ti impulsou-me e retirou de mim todo o medo ao qual me escondia. Sei que te apercebeste, estava a lutar pela minha felicidade e saiu de mim naturalmente. Sabes o que era, notas a diferença, não sou a mesma e nunca voltarei a ser mais aquela que conheceste. Agora riu-me de tudo o que passou, sofri muito bem sabes mas nasci mesmo para te amar e não vi isso no copo de vidro. Este foi o meu caminho e espero sempre realçar o que de melhor ele me fez ser.

Agora finalmente, ao próximo ano, o ano da determinação!

7 de junho de 2011
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